Women, we are strange, beautiful, mysterious beings, and nowhere is this more apparent than out at a bar. Nobody can be more cutthroat than a girl at a bar, shooting daggers at you because you 1. Are younger 2. Are cuter 3. Aren’t a regular (girl, YOU DON’T BELONG HERE) 4. Look unassumingly sweet 5. Look assumingly slutty.
But then something strange happens in the bathroom.
That’s right, within the small confines of a public restroom, among spilled spirits, sprinkled urine (come on, YOU try hovering over the toilet dizzy from vodka soda, thighs shaking from Jillian Michaels), you enter into a Narnia-like land.
The whole Outsiders territorial facade fades; the shrewd judgy eyes soften, and any thoughts of throwing a shoulder in front of her to catch the bartender’s attention vanishes.
Because now, you’ve entered into this strange, unspoken sisterhood, where your few minutes of waiting feels more like hours, where you’re almost sad it’s your turn because you just don’t want to say goodbye.
Why we should be more like drunk girls in the bathroom
Nobody is more sincere, congenial, and downright profoundly heartfelt than a drunk girl in a bathroom. Here’s why we need to be more like them:
You hated her guts for being the random girl brought to the party, but in the bathroom? Different story. Hair up or down? Is this lipstick too much? The earnest drunk girl won’t hold back, but in the nicest way possible. Plus, your bone structure is seriously so perfect; and those legs? Where have those been hiding! Out of the bathroom? Good lord, who told her she could wear that dress?!
Ever find that it’s tough to make friends outside your circle? Leave it to the congenial drunk girl to show willingness to open her heart, soul, and bank account to you (no, really, my tab is your tab). Sure, you called her “Bitchet” (cleverly constructed from Bridget) behind her back all night, but in the bathroom it’s all, “ohmygosh I LOVE that purse – no seriously, where did you get it? We should hang out, but like, for real. You’re such a sweet girl.” And you mean it, too.
Damn, your heel broke? That’s why I keep Krazy Glue in my purse! Your hair fell out? Girllllll, I can scrounge up some bobby pins for you. Wait, don’t leave yet! Your eyeliner is smudged. Ohmygosh THANK YOU SO MUCH. No, really, thank you soooo much. Here, have the rest of my drink – and this taco I found in my purse.
If you’re ever in a bind, you want a drunk girl at your side. She’s the first to slip a tampon under the stall, offer you a sip of drink, or give you a spritz of her perfume – after all, that’s what friends are for.
Yes, and lots of it. Like, really specific, over-the-top praise because you’re SO pretty. No really, like your hair is PERFECT. It’s like if Pantene and Victoria’s Secret angels hair had a baby who lived in a pool of coconut oil kind of perfect. The bathroom drunk girl is sure to put a little extra pep in your step and glimmer in your eye as she holds your face to look deeply at you when she speaks to you. You know, the way you wish your boyfriend did, the kind that cuts right into your soul?
No matter what she’s talking about, the girl’s got conviction. And I like that about her. None of these wishy washy feigning to have no opinions girls here (thank goodness). No, this girl has gumption. She will hold firmly in her belief that your friend is worse than Angelina stealing Brad away from Jen, though she knows nothing about her. But since you’re crying because of her, she’s standing strong. Solidarity, sister.
Overall, you’ll never find more empowerment and support from anyone, and what’s so sweet about this divine bond is the selflessness of it all. A drunk girl in the bathroom just gives to give, not to receive; she doesn’t ask for nor want anything in return, and because of it, you can never repay her, but that’s okay. She’s the stranger you revealed your soul to, if only for a moment, and she cared –
and just like that, she’ll be gone, a blurry if not forgotten confidant – unless you exchanged numbers, in which case there’s a 20% chance either of you inputted it correctly.
Though I don’t drink now, it’s fun to reflect – and to all the drunk girls in bathrooms I bonded with over the years, how I wonder what and where you are now. Are you working mothers like me, nursing your sweet nugget in one arm as you type up a post or report of your own late at night? Are you a teacher, a doctor, an entrepreneur, a lawyer? Are you still lifting up spirits of women in bar bathrooms? No matter, just know that if the world was full of you, we’d live in a truly more wonderful place.
To Katie, our two pizzas, endless secret judgments, and countless Chucks friends.