The Things you'll never know

My dearest little one,

I’m writing this one-handed, your little breaths keeping the softest metronome, your little lips pursed out as you dream of eating.

You’ll never know all the times I kissed your tiny fingers as you gripped me so tight; I promise it’s impossible to even count that high.

You’ll never know how I breathed in your skin like it was oxygen, that sweet, pure, Cream of Wheat smelling skin that gives me life.

You’ll never know how much I adored watching your lips move feverishly as you ate, a little motor that made me laugh out loud, as if you were famished – your rolls would beg to differ.

The things you’ll never know

You’ll never see what I see in your eyes – so serious at times when you were nursing, clearly a woman on a solemn mission of nutrition. Other times I’d just watch you milk drug yourself to sleep, eyes rolling back through lazy, slow blinks until you reached your happy slumber place.

You’ll never witness this spark behind your eyes – I’m not sure if anyone has seen quite what I have – I swear you look deep within me with this twinkle of wonderment because you know something I don’t – and from the looks of it, it’s something pretty amazing.

You’ll never know how I watched you sleep in your bassinet, a little burrito baby, cheeks puffed out, a fleeting smirk passing by, sometimes even a snoozing chuckle, the purest expression of joy.

My precious baby, you’ll never get to see your smile, that smile that infects anyone around you, that smile you make with your whole body, starting from your soul and bursting out from every squishy, sweet inch of you. Your mouth couldn’t grow any wider, your eyes any more elated, so your whole body is needed to express yourself.

You’ll never hear your little grunts and snorts, making your breathing sound so labored, like it was a chore, not a natural function. Everyone notices but I’m used to your signature sound, a comforting white noise soothing my ears.

My sweets, you won’t remember the songs, books, talks, and laughs we share daily, but I promise you that you’re happy – the happiest, actually.

No, you’ll never know these things, but please promise me something – I need you to try. If there’s ever a day I can’t keep you warm against my chest, safe in my arms, or comforted from my kiss, please promise me you’ll try – try to imagine this love I have for you as I’m writing this with you on my lap and know everything will be okay; that I’m always here.

Please know, no matter what evils exist in the world, I’ve seen the ultimate goodness in you, my little marshmallow – a goodness that fills in my unfortunate gaps of faith and allows me to know something greater exists. Maybe you know; maybe that’s the wonderment you flash to me through your eyes.

Please know that no boy, girl, friend, or foe is worth your tears, but know that I’ll hold you or listen to you until those tears subside. Know that my heart breaks already in awful anticipation that anything other than perfection will cross your path, but understand that I’ll help you through anything.

You’ll never understand what I’m really saying – you’ll never understand this love until you have a child of your own, but just try.

I’ll never realize how truly transient these simple moments are until they’ve passed, and while I hope and pray I’ll never forget all of your details, I know some of them will cruelly slip and fade away without any warning, and even sadder, without knowing I’ve forgotten.

I’ll never realize that I’ll be wishing for these troubles – that I’ll be wishing for tummy troubles, late night feedings, and tearful car rides when the real problems roll around.

So for now, I’ll soak it all in – I’ll try to etch that sugary milky scent deep in my nose as its pressed against your warm, doughy, pink cheeks. I’ll engrave your tiny, strong, dimpled hands as they grip tightly on my fingers so I remember your fierce strength. I’ll carve your glorious rolly thighs in my hands so I remember just how insanely magnificent your squish is.

But I’ll never capture it all, because how can one momma capture perfection?

  • Nat Rosasco

    As I will always be here for you Lindsay. My baby, all grown up and an amazing writer, woman, wife, sister and mom.

    • Lindsay Katherine

      Aw shucks, thanks dad.

  • Patricia Hickey Rosasco

    So sweet! So wonderful! So true! A real mommy’s words and feelings. I wish I could go back for just one day and see, hold and hear my children for one day. Their smells, sounds, voices and antics. I relive it now through my children’s children. It’s not the same, but it’s awesome, too!

    • Lindsay Katherine

      Thanks, mom! Means a lot coming from you : )

    • Nat Rosasco

      But you do relive this through Annabelle, Michael, Ginny and Olive. Trisha 2.0. I do agree though–to have one day again.

  • “I know some of them will cruelly slip and fade away without any warning, and even sadder, without knowing I’ve forgotten.” YES, THIS. I know there are so many things I’ve forgotten already, and I hate that I don’t know what I’ve forgotten. Your words are absolutely beautiful, Lindsay, and a lovely reminder for me to slow down and soak it all in today.

    • Lindsay Katherine

      Ugh, isn’t it so sad but so true?!?! Soak it in!!

  • Maggie Malson

    Such a beautiful post, Lindsay. You put into words what so many of us moms feel. It’s been a few years since I had a newborn and you took me back to those moments I cherished with my babies. Happy Mother’s Day to you!

    • Lindsay Katherine

      Thank you so much, Maggie – I know I can’t capture exactly what I want to, but I’m glad it brought you back : )

  • Paige Allison

    Henry, even though he’s almost three, STILL has that glorious scent. Beautiful post!

  • Corey Wheeland

    This is so beautiful. Soak it ALL up – every last minute!

  • Antonio Romanucci

    I read this and am so thankful that this marvelous young woman was able to verbalize and capture the words that many of us mere mortals can only think and wonder while we are holding our precious ones. I am officially adopting this excerpt;). By the way, Lindsay is my goddaughter. I’m really proud of her and I make no excuses for gushing on her.

    • Lindsay Katherine

      Your comment was SO thoughtful, Antonio – thanks for reading and for your sweetness. Love you, godfather.

  • This was so beautiful, Lindsay! I’m sure she will appreciate reading this in the future! x

  • Tiffany {A Touch of Grace}

    Beautiful Lindsay. I miss these moments already, and E is only 13 months. I still snuggle him as much as I can before nap and bedtime. Enjoy this time Mama!

    • Lindsay Katherine

      Thanks, Tiffany – guess that’s why people keep having babies : )

  • Erika Ortega

    She is precious. Love this post so much. You are amazing

    • Lindsay Katherine

      Thank you, Erika.

    • Lindsay Katherine

      Thank you, Erika!

  • Wow. So sweet. I love following your mothering journey. She is unbelievably blessed to have you as a mommy.

    • Lindsay Katherine

      You’re such a peach, thanks Chels.

  • Justine Y

    This is so sweet and so beautifully written Lindsay. We’re so blessed to have so many precious moments with our little ones but it is sad that they’ll never remember them!

    • Lindsay Katherine

      Thank you so much!! It is sad they’ll never know, but it’s sad we’ll forget some of these things we swear we never will.

  • Little love. Oh girl I know you love her so!

  • Babies are super hard, but the most perfect beings on Earth and the love that stems from that is nothing short of heaven.