Why Breastfeeding in Public Is Gross

Public nudity is unacceptable

If you choose to feed your baby out in public, it’s gross. Why am I supposed to be okay with others seeing my breasts completely exposed, and how can I expect others to accept this blatant act of vulgarity?

After all, when I nurse my baby uncovered, the most you can see is 1-2 inches of exposed top of the chest skin of one breast. Yuck! It’s like we live in a society where it’s okay for women to embrace their bodies and show off some skin in an everyday acceptable way or something. I mean, look how uncouthly nude I am in this picture nursing my daughter.

I don’t want to tempt men

Allow me to summarize the articles I read on the topic of breastfeeding uncovered:

• Women don’t want their men seeing other women’s breasts – that’s just wrong.
• Men are naturally drawn to breasts, so you can’t blame them for gawking.
• You shouldn’t even want to expose yourself to other men – that’s immoral!

I couldn’t agree more. What is sexier than using your body the way it was intended for? I mean, really, va va VOOOOOM, a child eating the way God and nature intended them to eat! Ow owwwww! Calm down, men, while my child nurses milk out of my breast, a process you can’t even see the way my baby is positioned on me.

Of course, we cannot fault men for being drawn to boobs, tits, knockers, whatever other names they want to give breasts – noooooo, it’s just natural for them to ogle women – it’s not their fault!

And calm down women, get those men on a leash! You wouldn’t want to enter counseling for your boyfriends and husbands having impure thoughts about a mother nursing her baby – how stimulating, how erotic!

Not to mention me, the crude momma who wants to expose myself as much as possible. It’s really my number one goal for breastfeeding in the first place. You caught me.

(PS – I hope you also keep them away from the beach, the pool, TV, the movies, magazines, restaurants, the mall, the Internet, the news – really anywhere where there are non-Amish dressed women who show 50-90% more boob than an uncovered nursing mom.)

You can nurse in public, just cover up!

Come on here, people – I’m not completely heartless and ignorant – of course women can feed their children in public, but you just have to cover up. They make so many cute and functional nursing covers these days, so there is no reason not to, unless, of course, you’re a disgusting, crude woman.

Do me a favor – really, read this and do it. Go to your kitchen or to your local coffee shop for a quick snack – put a blanket over your head – proceed with eating. You’ll notice how comfortable it is to eat, breathe, and drink this way. It becomes nice and warm and toasty, you know, in a suffocating almost can’t breathe kind of way. It becomes really comfortable when your head and face start to perspire, you know, because who doesn’t love eating with hot, dense air enveloping them with salty perspiration beading your head?

Okay fine, if you’re uncomfortable eating that way, at least go take your snack and sit in a public bathroom to nosh. I prefer my sandwich with bits of toilet particles on them and it’s way more comfortable, clean, and appetizing to eat there anyway.

You can nurse your baby, just do it at home

Nobody is saying you can’t breastfeed; all of the research shows the increasing benefits of breastfeeding, both for the mom and child. All I’m saying is, why can’t you just keep it in private, at home, where it belongs?

After all, you’ve already been through 10 months of pregnancy (that’s right, because 40 weeks = 10 months), which can be strenuous and isolating in itself; now I’m just asking you to remain at home for the next 6 months, at least while your baby is feeding on demand every 2-3 hours or every 20-30 minutes. Is that asking too much? For goodness sake, you’re a mom now, and that means you can’t have a life outside your home! Silly mommies.

Forget the men, children shouldn’t be exposed to that

How are we supposed to explain to our children what these lewd women are doing? After all, since you have kept your kids away from malls, television, commercials, magazines, and anywhere women roam around freely, they have never even seen cleavage or breast tissue before. What would they think?! How could you explain to them that a mother’s body was designed to grow babies in their bodies and then feed them? And gosh, we might as well ban all preschools and kindergarten classes from their trips to the farm because they will see cows being milked or their calves drinking milk from them. How uncivilized.

Natural doesn’t make it right

We’ve all heard the argument before – breastfeeding is natural, and therefore it’s okay to do it in public. But hello, going to the bathroom and reproducing are natural too, and you don’t see me squatting down in the middle of the mall to urinate. Feeding your baby is the same as defecating and is the same as the sexual act of…well, sex.

Overall, the way you feed your baby is clearly not a personal decision; you should listen to what others say and start understanding that breastfeeding your child in public, especially uncovered, is just plain gross.

*If you enjoyed this, feel free to share! And you might want to check out 8 Things Not To Say To a Nursing Mom & Why Sometimes Weird Green Poop is Just Weird. Green. Poop.*